in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
