And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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