my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
