My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
