he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
