FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
