Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
