Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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