When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
