Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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