I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
