Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
