She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
