You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
