We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
