He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
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