Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
