Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
