I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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