I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
