I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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