Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
