She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
