When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You are a genius and a whore.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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