the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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