I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
