Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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