My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
