nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
