you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
