i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
