so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
