I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
