Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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