If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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