i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
it glows. i had to have it.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
