That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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