i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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