btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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