I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
