in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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