Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
