I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
