I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize