What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
