i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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