Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
