If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
