Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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