Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
