Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
