Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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