don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
