The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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